'It is what it is until it isn't'
I spent so much time in St. Lucia talking with my cousin about our situations and finally getting to talk to someone who was in as lost place as I am, I found that being static is… just what it is. There was little to say about it, but we both understood. I think the difficulty in expressing just what this feeling/state is is representative of the turmoil it’s causing within our minds/hearts/souls and just how tangled it all is. ‘I need to tell you all, all the pain it’s caused’ says Lauryn.. Me too. The need to express how I’m feeling when I’m overwhelmed by intense sadness is essential and I wouldn’t if I could take it by myself, but sometimes it all gets too much. It’s difficult being in this place, because I can’t do anything about it, yet the feelings brewed up by it affect me so much, yet the hope for better on one side is just as strong as all the negative emotions that to an extent are tearing me down. At the same time, the wrongs in this situation have a stronger impact on my perception than the hope does. It’s like a real slow decline, and I’m tryna hit rock bottom so I can reascend but it’s taking so long, and I have no control over it. And I’ve realised I have to hit rock bottom before I can move on, cause right now everything’s been fucked up so long and I still find myself incapable of doing something….